Minnesota quarterback reflects on team's pass protection ahead of NFL Draft
By Isaac Huss
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA -- Tomorrow is the NFL Draft, and Kirk Cousins knows what’s at stake. He also knows his Minnesota Vikings’ front office has a thing for drafting defensive backs early and often. And often at the expense of his porous offensive line.
“Listen, if I die, I die,” Cousins said, while taking a break from practicing his next big gender reveal [his wife isn’t pregnant, he just wasn’t satisfied with his accuracy on the last one]. “I’m at peace about that. I know my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and I have a close, personal relationship with Dakota Dozier. If Coach Zimmer wants to draft d-backs with all ten picks tomorrow -- and he might -- well, at least I know there’ll be a big house waiting for me in the sky.”
Minnesota’s offensive line unit, while excelling in opening holes in the run game for tailback Dalvin Cook, has struggled blocking for Cousins on pass plays since he arrived three years ago. The Vikings have since cut perhaps their best player in the group, left tackle Riley Rieff, in a cost-saving measure, and retained Dozier, one of the worst pass blockers in the league a year ago. Cousins seems unfazed.
“Survival of the fittest, I always say -- and if you haven’t noticed, I’m pretty darn fit,” Kirk said, which has been fact-checked as “True” by his wife (Snopes has rated it Somewhat True). “I want to respect what other people's concerns are. I know my mom had been tweeting at Zim from her burner account, ‘TonkaLoveBoat69,’ all offseason to trade for Orlando Brown. Not me. I'm gonna let nature do its course. And just to say, if Aaron Donald knocks me out, he knocks me out. I'm going to be OK. I think.”
Cousins was then asked, on a scale of 1-10, how worried he was about the Vikings taking a QB in the first round to replace him -- not unlike the Packers did last year with Jordan Love -- with one being Patrick Mahomes and ten being Jimmy Garoppalo. Cousins responded, "I'm not gonna call anybody stupid, for the trouble it would get me in. But I'm about a .000001. It’s not like there’s a Christian Ponder in this draft, am I right?”
Any great player who's gonna come in and work! Who are you all thinking? Reply @Verizon with #NFLDraft #VerizonPartner https://t.co/7KIMWrFkBa
— Kirk Cousins (@KirkCousins8) April 29, 2021
He went on to say: "But seriously, I have peace. I don't believe that I control the outcome of my life. Why do you think I got a fully-guaranteed contract? Other than the Vikings being weirdly desperate for a slightly above-average QB. Oh and the fact that I used the Jets as leverage to drive up the price. Good times. But I digress…”
“It’s because there's many things out of my control. I trust the Lord to handle things. If something happens, I trust him to have a plan and purpose. So if Rick (Spielman, the Vikings’ GM) wants to draft an edge rusher named “Kwity” or a cornerback named “Lousy” or a linebacker named “B1G” or a quarterback named “Mac” or heck if he wants to trade all his picks for 500 7th rounders next year, I’ll be at peace. Actually, Rick, please don’t pick Mac. Have you not seen him with his shirt off? He’d destroy our vibe.”
Kirk then returned to gender reveal practice, proceeded to drop back and toss his mini exploding football into a phone booth fifty yards away, do some undistinguishable dance (definitely not the griddy? we think?), and scream “YOU LIKE THAT! YOU LIKE THAT!” at his smokin’ hot wife.
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